I felt everything hurt. I drove through a lot of rooms. Different voices could be heard, but nowhere to my mother. Everywhere only doctors themselves and no one known. The cart I was lying on stopped by. I swallowed hard and wondered what awaited me now and what would happen in two hours. My eyes were closed under some dark glasses. I didn’t want to open them because my eyelids were tired.

“Au… ” I finally complained.

Again, I didn’t feel anything. I dreamed something. Some kind of dream, or rather a nightmare. I don’t remember what it was, but I’ve already noticed other things than my thoughts. Mom. Her voice was frightened and sad. She thought I was sleeping, but they were still talking to someone quietly. I pulled off my glasses with my hand and slowly opened my eyes, hoping to see something other than darkness. I blinked. I began to tremble. I panicked like never before. After blinking, nothing has changed. And not even when I took off my glasses. I discovered the worst thing in my life. I lost my sight. I felt like I was shivering. I didn’t want to cry out for help. I didn’t need it. No one will help me with vision loss. The cry was enough just to calm down. Someone needs pills to calm down, but all I need is a shout. I was deceiving myself. I needed my mother, and I needed it urgently. Laser surgery deprived me of my sight, and my mother, I hope, will at least calm me down a little.

Mom? “

I burst into tears.

“Don’t worry, here sme,” daddy spoke to me.

It jerked with me. I did not notice that he was here too.

“Where are you? ” I asked daddy.

He grabbed my hand. It was probably difficult to explain verbally where he was now. I had little strength left, and my eyes were all weeping and red from tears. I closed them because I knew I would never see daylight again, so I would have to get used to the darkness. I took a nap, but subconsciously I listened to a lot of voices…

° ° °

I went through many examinations in the hospital. After two weeks, they let me go home. For two whole weeks, no one could calm me down, I kept crying and barely talking at all. In the hospital, I found out that the family stands by you no matter what happens. You can be perfect or you can be completely ordinary, unhappy, grumpy, or sad. You are special to your family in one way or another.

Once I was sitting on my bed, I wondered: My eyes were like smoke. They lacked a spark. They lacked a small flame of fire.

I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning and my eyes slowly opened. There was fog everywhere, like the night before the storm. I still haven’t got used to the unusual vision. Actually, not seeing. It is cruel, but it is true. The chances of seeing daylight again are slim. Almost zero. My eyes were foggy and gray. Like smoke…

I wanted to come back for them, but I couldn’t see the road anymore. Everyone around me took me as brave and fearless. They said how heroically I handled it. But this is just a pretence. I am afraid, and my sadness destroys me. I am completely at the bottom. Ebark keeps me afloat by my family and friends. If it weren’t for the parents, Mike, Vivien and the twins, I don’t know what would have happened. I felt like I was on the verge of my strength. Nothing. Darkness. And I must not fall there. I have to be there at least for them. No matter how hard they try, none of them have any idea what it’s like to be after a failed laser surgery, and even more so in your teenage years. I am seventeen. I have my life ahead of me, but I can see – I don’t really see – that I don’t have much chance of art. There wasn’t much inspiration on the Internet about how blind people learned to paint, draw, create, or professionally realize themselves.

° ° °

It was cold in the room. I grabbed onto the bed frame, confidently took a few steps and slowly felt the door handle. I opened even more slowly. There are still many obstacles ahead of me, and one of them is the stairs. First. Second…. Au. Two stairs. Ehm. So this is the record of today. Mike ran up to me within a second and gently squeezed my hand. I clumsily stood up from the stairs and was already standing on a flat floor. Mom and Dad were preparing breakfast.

“Emily, would you like something? ” asked daddy.

“No, thank you,” I replied.

After the pills that the nurse in the hospital poured into me, I didn’t feel like eating. I sat down on the couch. The second au. I sat down with the controller. At least I don’t have to bother looking for it in the wooden drawer of our coffee table by the couch. I switched by sound. Politics, Tom and Jerry, Harry Potter. Harry Potter. I’ll keep that. But come on! Advertising. I turned off the TV and bounced off the comfort of the couch. I stumbled again. Before the laser incident, I should have carefully studied our apartment all its corners and edges just enough to stumble. Mom ran in with a first-aid kit.

“Mom, you don’t have to,” I snapped out of myself, “pretort, I wanted to say it so cruelly, ” I apologized to her.

She was sad and had little strength for words. She just nodded. I completely imagined her nodding, even though I couldn’t physically see her. It’s strange how the human brain works. I reached into the kitchen and drank water from a glass, which, out of habit, we always leave close to the sink in the kitchen, so I found it “in search” quite quickly. When I don’t eat anymore, I don’t plan to drink. I still have many pitfalls and conquerors ahead of me, but first I have one more plan for today. Parents also began to get ready after breakfast. Daddy takes Mike to the cinema and I’ll finally go somewhere on the air. My mother escorts me to the park, where Vivien is waiting for me.

Translated by artificial intelligence from original: Louisa Palffy -Oči iba pre neho

Chapter 12: Decision

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O mne

Moje meno je Lujza Pálffyová. Som maliarka a spisovateľka. Moju prvú knihu som napísala v roku 2020.
Kniha sa volá: Oči iba pre neho

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